Wednesday, November 27, 2013

On the Side: Beneath It All, There's Just Sadness

Walter Judd and Michelle Judd Rittler | Taste As You Go

Some of you may have noticed that I've been quiet lately, keeping my chatter on my social media channels to a minimum. My relatively disengaged silence is related to a loss so great that I haven't truly begun to process it. Mainly because I won't allow my heart to open itself to the pain and sadness because I'm not ready to deal with it yet.


Earlier this week, my sweet and selfless grandfather passed away at the young-old age of 90. (The above photo was taken at his 90th birthday party back in June.) While I wasn't there with him when he took his last breath, I was able to sit with him and hold his hand a few days before he died.

He wasn't fully aware that I was in the room, and he couldn't hold a conversation with me, but that didn't stop me from telling him how much I loved him and how grateful I was for his love. And I told him how much it meant to Stephen and me to have him and my grandmother at our wedding.

Family Wedding Photo | Photo by Brian Samuels Photography
Photo by Brian Samuels Photography

In my ramblings, I recalled a conversation I had with him during the wedding reception:

"Are you happy, sweetheart?"

"The happiest."

"You're not the happiest."

"I'm not? Why not?"

"Because Steve's the happiest. He has you for his bride."

Is it any wonder that I look to my grandparents so often for guidance and perspective?

I'm sure I'll continue wearing my "strong face" to prevent myself from completely losing it before I'm ready to deal with my real emotions. To some it'll appear as if I'm going about my business as usual... but really, beneath it all, there's just sadness.

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